After living in small apartments for over four years in America I was looking forward to returning to my farm house in Kudlu in Bangalore. The thrill of seeing my son run around the house and the garden was overshadowed by the inhabitants that had been occupying the house freely during our absence.

They had me screaming blue murder in the middle of the night, cursing their lowly existence as I threw my newly cooked food in trash as one of them slipped and slithered out of the dish or had me leave the light on during the night and hope and pray that they didn’t decide to share my bed without my knowledge.

I’m talking about rats, mice and lizards and what’s worse is that they are procreating at a rate faster than the speed at which I am able to rid of them. Mind you, I’m saying get rid of them and not kill them. As a rule I generally set them free outside my little farm house and watch the night swallow them up as I’d wish them a fair adieu and wonder which neighbor I had done a nasty disservice to by setting them free.

Killing rodents and lizards has never been my forte. My mom despite being a gentle ‘born again’ Hindu believes in drowning rodents in a special rat bucket, my mother in law believes in indirect assassination orders without the knowledge of how the killing was done and my sister believes in rat poison.

I, however cannot bring myself to kill anything more than a mosquito. Even a roach has me screaming and jumping as I’d throw sandals and shoes at it while it makes an easy escape.

The reason why I can’t kill is because of the squishy stuff that comes out of these pests after they are crushed to the ground. It’s a mish mash of yellow, white and red liquid; quite similar to a stinky puss that one cannot look at forget about cleaning it.

My home, unfortunately, is crawling with these creatures and there are two people here who are pretty good at killing them. One even proudly calls himself a pest killing Ninja.

Aaman, the One Stroke Ninja, can kill lizards with one hard blow. They would wriggle a bit and then die within minutes. He doesn’t think twice before hitting a lizard on the wall with his shoes .One should see him stalking a baby Lizard as it run for its life with Aaman screaming behind it – ‘Give me something to squash it with. A book! Damn it! Give me that telephone directory!’

And my response would be- ‘The directory? Are you crazy? Who will remove all that squishy gore that will come out of it? I will have to throw the book. Watch it! Its heading into my bedroom. I can’t sleep there. You promised me that there wouldn’t be any lizards or mice in the house but the place is infested!.’

Aaman would be quick to snuff that little life under his shoe and while standing on the dead body of the lizard would find himself arguing with his irate wife

“When did I promise you that there won’t be any pests? I’m not a pest control guy.”

“You said that in Boston.”

And we’d continue to have an inane argument till the next pest or a mosquito buzzing around distracted us.

Personally I have nothing against these creatures and could easily co exist with them if they didn’t bite or were so ugly in their appearances. I even tolerated a mouse in my bedroom for over two weeks as it scurried around with a little paper in its mouth and looked darn cute. Cute, till it somehow managed to get inside my old air conditioner, got electrocuted and died, leaving behind a stinky rotting body that I had to plead with Jannu to take out.

Jannu is our home caretaker and despite being a being a soft spoken guy with a gentle demeanor is another pest killing warrior. His movements are fluid and precise. Within five minutes the pest is either driven out (i.e. if I am around ) or killed in my absence.

He generally gets a poker face when he is on a killing spree. His eyes would become intense and he grab a newspaper and wham within two hard strikes the little creature would meet its maker.

All this death and destruction of these little unwanted guests has become a daily chore in our home. Though it adds a bit of drama to our daily routine but it’s a nuisance as well. Imagine re-washing dishes before using them or finding holes in your flour bag courtesy a curious rat.

This fervor will hopefully soon come to an end once I have found a good pest control agency and have them do away with my unwanted guests who have no say in the fact that they will be paying with their lives for their free tenancy of my home.