There is a whole gamut of things that can go wrong in a marriage - starting from skirmishes over finances, inter personal relationships, extended family relationships, too much sex or lack of sex, kids , lack of kids,affairs, jealousy, invasion of personal space, globalization; you name it and Shobhaa De has discussed it in Spouse.
The book is, as she states in the foreword, more anecdotal and far more entertaining than the drone of a psychiatrist merely churning out cases of marriages brought back from the brink of disaster. Spouse is a rich repository, a memoir of Shobhaa De's life with her husband De, her children, her friends and those that touch her life via work.
Unlike the image that most Indians have of Shobhaa as being a man hating feminist, her self deprecating and brutal self-reflection on her own weaknesses that have been the cause of a few minor skirmishes at home show her to be a sensible, mature woman. While reading the memoir of her life together with her second husband one gets to understand what makes an enigmatic vivacious personality like Shobhaa tick.
She even discusses her first marriage in a frank manner:
"Marriages disintegrate for various reasons. Sometimes they fall apart by default. As my first one did. Maybe we both entered it at a wrong time in our respective lives. Maybe we had not thought of the decision through. Maybe our expectations didn't match. Maybe we grew in entirely different ways.Maybe I was a bit too headstrong, a bit too impatient. So many years later, there is much regret about the sadness caused."
She believes in open communication, recognition of ones own flaws while compromising on those of ones partners' (i.e. if they are minor quirks and not vile habits like alcoholism, drugs, womanizing etc) and most importantly she stresses on the 3T's Theory that have been the foundation of her marriage - Time, Tenderness and Togetherness.
Through the book she has pointed out that her husband (the romantic one in the relationship) has always ensured that they have time away from the family and the cares of the world, be it the evening tea with cheese and crackers or the Sunday getaways where they spend quiet relaxed weekends together so as to make up for the time lost during the week days due to their individual heavy schedules.
His need to enjoy all the special days like birthdays, anniversaries etc., are at best lovingly tolerated by Shobhaa and the kids as are her quirky habits of being messy and unpunctual are exasperatingly tolerated by De. They have learned to live with others weaknesses and try to remain in tune with each others wants, desires, hopes and aspirations despite the accepted once in a while bickering, sulking and then the make up sex.
Though I just added the last part, (thankfully she didn't give us the gory details of her sex life) yet Shobhaa has been frank in her discussion of sex. Creativity, communication and being considerate to one's spouse are the hallmarks of a healthy sex life:
There is a great deal of ignorance about sex, even in this day and age. Even in urban India. Even with all the sex talk on TV and in our movies. Even with the new 'openness', it's amazing how little people actually know about their own bodies and the potential inherent in exploring physical avenues as a couple....Misrepresentation of modern sexual 'trends' can lead to confusion. Couples who feel they aren't hip enough because they don't experiment enough get bogged down and discouraged.....Sex in a good marriage, is not about taking, but about giving. It isnt about performance, it's about mutual pleasure. Sexual compatibility is achieved over a period of time, and through trust and caring.
Further on, she discusses the need to shed one's inhibitions, to remove the word 'dirty' from sex and to relax when one is with the spouse especially when its quality time without young children scampering around.
Shobhaa De has been candid in her discussion about concepts like lack of chemistry between couples, the need to try and salvage a marriage if the differences are not too sharp and on how to train one's mother in law. The last line was obviously written by Shobhaa in humor as she quite rightly pointed :
"You think I'm joking when I say a mother-in- law can be trained if you know the right tricks? Why not? She is only human. And susceptible to stuff other humans succumb to- flattery, gifts, praise, affection, obedience and respect. Convert her into a monster in your mind and she will become one. Treat her like an adversary and she'll behave like one. Be yourself and the chances are, she'll accept you for who you are sooner or later. Don't play games, don't pretend and don't be a bloody hypocrite."
She goes on to give balanced advice to both the mother in laws and daughter in laws:
"Most TV soaps concentrate obsessively on a demonic representation of the species, and most films re-in force it. Women- who lunch spend a good part of their afternoon criticizing their own. And harassed husbands complain they can deal with virtually everything else, but not the unending stream of invectives against their mothers. Women should know that it's a lousy habit and should refrain from running the old lady down. The old lady, too, should wake up and smell the coffee, if she thinks today's daughter in law is going to meekly follow her dictates. Girls who are in a position to walk rather than suffer do just that. Or ask to move into their own homes.
Meanwhile, there is a happier meeting ground. Since both women are likely to be usefully occupied these days, they can mark out their territories and evolve a system that works for both. Even domestic duties can be shared if the attitude is right.
This is the age of breaking antiquated molds and rules. Power games have no place at home. Mothball your ego and reach out."
Though Shobhaa goes on to give further examples of domestic skirmishes and how to resolve them , her advice is simple to both women - Stay out of each other's hair, don't compete, don't carry tell tales to the male folks, maintain and respect each other's right to privacy and most of all to the daughters-in-law she admonishes not to go crying to mama whenever one has a fight with her husband or in-laws, in other words deal with your own upheavals and grow up!!
Spouse, as I said earlier is a rich storehouse of tips, tricks and advice and deals with a number of important issues which she deals with sensible and practical advice.
And though I am not doing the book justice in my attempts to summarise it in a few words but it does revolve around her formula of 3Ts - Time, Tenderness and Togetherness being the foundation of any happy marriage.
I'd like to conclude my review with a passage from her book:
It takes minimum of ten years for two people to actually get to know one another. To intercept the little tricks, idiosyncrasies, quirks and accept. Ten more to understand what it all adds up to. Who the real person you are married to, actually is. What living together for twenty years has taught you- about yourself and your partner. And then, another ten to finally accept your differences and come to terms with the hiccups that might have bothered you earlier. That's when you start to appreciate one another. Enjoy sameness. And overlook the differences. It's a pretty long journey-thirty years. Are you up for it?"
