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October 31, 2006

Monkeys On The Manhole

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A couple of days ago the Village Panchayat finally connected the sewage pipe to our septic tank after we paid them a pretty penny for the job. Most of our neighbors refused with the attitude that they would cross the bridge when they'd come to it (which meant that the septic tank would overflow and their potties would become animate poop pukers) and we would have the last laugh.

Despite the all round congratulations that I have been receiving for the Village finally completing this vital activity I am still not very gung-ho since the idiots haven't covered up the damn manhole and left it open.

It is an accident waiting to happen and despite my nagging the Panchayat has yet to do something about it. The three monkeys on the manhole treat it like a toy despite my shooing them off at any and every given opportunity.

Next time I am going to drive them off with a stick!

Jake Gyllenhaal And His Little Wee Wee

Awww...poor Jake Gyllenhaal's wee wee has been making rounds on the net. When it isn't Lindsay's naked pups its the celeb wee wees' that hog attention. But I feel bad for Jake since his wee wee seems to be way smaller than Cheney's big boy.

Maybe its an angle issue or maybe, just maybe, Jake needs it let all hang out once and for all to put an end to the 2 inch rumor;)

October 29, 2006

What Do You Call A Hooker in Singapore?

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Click the link and enjoy:)

October 27, 2006

Happiness or Gloom and Doom

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
- Robertson Davies

Reminds me of a deva called Trishanku who was cursed to spend a couple of lifetimes as a snake when he kicked one of the seven rishes who were carrying his palaquin enroute to having a grand night with the God Indra's wife.

Initially he was rather down and out but then he began to count his blessings- atleast he was an animate creature and could rise again even if after a few hundred years by improving his karmas. Tall order, if you ask me, I rather count my blessings in this lifetime itself and not go around cursing religious people or being a morose idiot discontent with her lot.

Afterall I could have been born a roach or a germ. What the hell am I talking about? I'm as happier than a blushing new bride.

Make Sex Not Bomb

After the successful nuclear testing by North Korea, there has been a surge in the sales of condoms and bookings in dinky motels in South Korea thereby leading observers to believe that in dire circumstances one does feel their oats mortality accutely.

October 26, 2006

Hurley's Wedding At Devi Garh

Hurley's plans to have a lavish wedding at the Devi Garh fort may suffer from a slight hitch as the Indian government has refused clearance for a fleet of helicopters that were to shuttle the guestsfrom the local airport to the fort. Here is a suggestion- maybe they could use elephants as the mode of transportation?;)

The Bra Tales

If our underwear could talk what tales would emerge? Yesterday while I was going through the miscellaneous stuff that was stored in our storage room I came across my oldest underwear and bras. They lay buried in my suitcases that had been a part of my trousseau.

April it will be five years to my marriage and the bras that I unearthed were as old. Well, five or six of them for every year give or take and the sizes also varied accordingly. They are testimonies to the changes and milestones that my life had sailed through and achieved.

Picking up an all lace white bra that I had worn on my wedding night, I couldn’t help but smile as it was a size 34B. That bra had seen a lot of action – love, sex , family troubles, leaving India and then conceiving another heart beat in California.

I smiled and put the bra back in the small bag and picked up another one – a green one – lacy again but kind of cheap bought from Walmart. The bra was a see through nylon with saggy straps.

I had bought while I was in Dallas in 2002 when I was six months pregnant.

Since I was still gaining weight at the time it made sense to buy my female essentials from Walmart but the parrot green color of the bra was a sad reflection on the pre-partum depression I was suffering at the time as my sense of fashion had been totally screwed.

As I stared at the bra I wasn’t sure I wanted to hang on it. Some of the memories attached to it weren’t pleasant. But I placed it back in the bag. I wasn’t going to get closure just by burning a bra!

The next one was too far gone to hold on to. An off white bra with milk stains on it. It was a breast feeding bra. It was an ugly, functional garment which said- This cow can only be milked and not humped.

Turning it round I saw the darning I had done on it and couldn’t stop grinning at the miser I had become during that time (the hook had come off under the pressure of my milky boobs), I was into darning everything- sock, bras, sweaters- you name the cloth that had died a natural death and I would show you how I revived it to live a little longer by darning.

Rummaging through my old underwear/lingerie I found more feeding bras that had cupped my body in 2003

They were in a slightly better shape and had a bit of a lacy on top. This was the period when the cow batted her eyes at the bull as the calf had been weaned.

2004 was a year when I began to lose weight and my bras became exciting. French knickers got along with American bras albeit being kind of mismatched.

As a rule I don’t like panties. They give wedgies, tighten at all the wrong places and generally speaking are germ carpets. Thus, in these five years of marriage I have six good panties that have been barely worn- they were expensive, bought on a whim and are so tiny on the back that getting wedgies is a given thing.

My bras of 2004 were mostly from Victoria Secret and most of them had front snaps. They were sexy, convenient and fun, just like my life had been during that year when my kid had become independent enough to give me breathing space so as to be creative and thus became a happier person.

End of 2004 saw a drastic change in my bra collection as I became pregnant yet again. This time round I wasn’t as thrifty as I had been in my first pregnancy. By then I had realized that I shouldn’t do penny pinching on myself. It didn’t help in supporting my family nor my breasts for that matter.

My bras both during the pregnancy and after having the baby came from Target. The feeding bras as usual were asexual and became saggy after four or five washes. My size changed and so did my bras but they all looked and felt the same.

They had front loops that could come down to feed the baby and were quite comfortable and loose. Tight restrictive bras are known to cause a decrease in milk supply hence my fruits probably swayed a tad too much while we were in San Francisco in the months of August, September and early October
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But by mid November my boob size decreased sizably thanks to breast feeding . I couldn’t see myself be literally laden with two jiggling melons instead of well stacked oranges.

So off I went shopping with my Amex card and found that I had lost some more weight and from the 32D (double gulp) that I had been wearing I had come down to a 36C .

I had been wearing loose bras that had given my breasts too much breathing space and no support.

My current bras are regular bras from Target and this time round they round clearly state my thinking –to hell with convenience, motherhood should not be devoid of a sense of fashion. One can enjoy a bit of lace even at a frugal price.

The bras I’ve bought were under the special occasion section- underwired (which is a must for all women who have stepped beyond the parameters of mid-twenties and feeling the slight pull of gravity) a half way cup then pure heavenly lace and finally a nice satin bow in the middle.

I didn’t buy the matching panties as they hardly had any backing. My fear of wedgies continues to haunt me though I did by matching camisoles to spice up the evening once the kids were asleep and I had enough energy to be put to bed by my husband.

As I closed my bag I wondered how fast the years had flown by. I still felt twenty- six in some ways and yet older in many other ways.

My body had clearly changed from being that of a girl to a seasoned wife and mother.

The wears and tears on my bras spoke more about the joys I had been blessed with and less about the sorrows.

I couldn’t bring myself to part with them. They should be thrown away. No one in their right mind donates underwear and I couldn’t bring myself to snip them in the middle and throw them in trash.

Putting the bag back in the storage room I promised myself that the day I was in a more practical mood I would once again go through the lingerie bag and remove the bits of lace which no longer served any purpose besides making me nostalgic and taking up space that could be better used by the clothes my kids outgrow.


October 25, 2006

Visting Kolkata

The beauty of Kolkata, the erstwhile Calcutta, lies in its melding of bygone colonial architecture with fast-paced modern development. The blatant discrepancies in this city give it the character of an old matriarch trying to be 'in' with the times and yet lagging behind due to its rich heritage being very much a part of its present. Poverty is an accepted part and parcel of the city, people can be seen sleeping on the roadsides, human rickshaws continue to thrive despite the apparent ban and the presence of the Communist government continues to overshadow the need for swift development despite the cosmetic changes made in terms of swanky new flyovers and generic malls.

 

For a newcomer to this city there is a lot to be be seen starting from the grandeur of Victoria Memorial, to the home of Mother Teresa, Nirmala Niketan. There is Flury's where one gets the best pastries that Kolkata has to offer, discotheques at Taj Bengal and Hotel Hindustan International, and a few new bars around town. The best time to visit Kolkata is during the autumn break when the season of festivities exhibit the local arts and crafts in all their exquisite beauty. The Durga Pandals are awe inspiring with the goddess decked in all her finery taken down in joyful processions and Diwali celebrations are marked with boxes of sweets and gifts of all kinds ranging from locally made clay gods and goddesses to expensive gifts like silverware, jewelry etc.

 

For food there are obviously eateries of all denominations from the expensive ones in five star hotels, regular restaurants around town and then for the adventurous sorts who are willing to put their intestines at risk there are the good old joints like Nizam's, Badshah, Royal Hotel etc.

  

Next to Nizam's (near New Market) there is a weekly bazaar where all kinds of goodies are sold including my favorite at the bangle stalls where all kinds of bangles are sold - metallic, glass and those with exquisite inlay work. These stalls are open late into the night giving the somewhat shabby environment a delightful splash of color.

 

At every point there is some colonial history attached to the city. The Red Road is a wide stretch of paved road where planes used to land during the Second World War. To the right of the Red Road lazily flows the Hoogly river and on the ghats, couples can be spotted having late ice creams or chats.

 

Kolkata brings with it the teeming humanity of rickshaw-wallahs, club bearers, pavement stall-owners, thinly covered beggars, babu moshai on their way to office, Bengali hausfrau taking home some illish maach, and garish prostitutes on Kalighat bridge, coexisting with the glitzy malls, the new economic zones, and over-arching flyovers.


Another place worth visiting is the famous Kali Temple where we are to believe that Kali Ma manifested herself to Ramakrishna (Vivekananda's mentor). The temple is nestled on the Ghats of the river and despite the modern construction within the temple, there is an ancient feel to the place.

 

There is lot to be seen and done in Kolkata; book lovers can come during the month of February and enjoy the Book Fair or browse through the books in the numerous bookstores like Oxford Bookstore at Park Street or those at the Malls, or best of all, at College Street.

 

 Kolkata is a slow-paced city with a steady tempo of ceaseless life that slowly but surely enfolds people in its rich embrace and is definitely worth visiting when a traveler is in an introspective mood.

 

 

 

 

 


October 21, 2006

Balls, Birds And Bees

It isn't an everday affair when parents find themsleves talking about the birds and the bees when they take their kids to the local park to play. Recently a pair of lifelike lions caused a little fervor over their exposed balls in a park. I can understand the sentiments of some parents since a couple of weeks ago my son pointed at my mom's Golden Retriever's black balls and said- 'He got poopie on his bums' and being a mom not given to skirting around the issue replied "Those are his balls". We both looked at each other for a minute and moved on towards other issues.

So, really speaking it isn't a big deal at all.

October 11, 2006

News Of The Day

People shouldn't drink and drive nor should they be so drunk that they are caught having sex in a place of worship. A couple was sentenced to eighteen months of jail for having sex in a Kenyan mosque.

A worshipper heading for evening prayers found the couple having sex after investigating what the prosecution described as strange noises emanating from a dark corner of the mosque.

Alcohol puts hell of a lot of pressure on the bladder but more so on womens' bladders which are supposed to be smaller than those of men.

They found that women do pee more often than men but not because they drink more. In fact, men generally have higher fluid intake but don't need to go as often. When men finally feel the urge, they tend to pee in higher volumes than women. This is because men have a larger bladder capacity. That means smaller bladders in the ladies.

October 08, 2006

Graphic Novel Review: Virgin Comics' Devi

Like all epic tales, Virgin Comics' Devi is a saga that deals with the vanquishing of evil by good; where Shakti, or the combined powers of the pantheon of gods is placed in a mortal woman, Devi, to vanquish an evil god called Bala.
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Though the message of this graphic novel, on the surface, may seem simple, yet there is a deeper undertone to the series. It deals with the evilness of absolute power and the impotency of love and compassion.

Unlike Sadhu, which had a heavy philosophical karmic hue to it, Devi, on the other hand, leans heavily towards the Kill Bill style action-packed storyline with Apsaras thrown in to sweeten a fast paced deal, somewhat superficial and no different from a regular Tarantino movie.

The graphics, being the product of Virgin Comics, are visually rich and pleasing to the soul of any graphic novel lover. The Dark Lord Bala is so enthralling in his sinister appearance that despite being vanquished by Devi in the early pages of the novel, he leaves a resonating impression in the minds of the readers.

Devi, on the other hand, despite her legions of pony-tailed brahmans. fails to impress us with her presence in the first issue. She seems to be lackluster and in many ways can even be likened to Supergirl in her characterization, which is not surprising since the artist himself, Mukesh Singh, mentions Superman being one of his artistic inspirations.

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There also seems to be some influence from the cinematic representation of Tolkien’s Lord Of The Rings in terms of the evil ambience of Lord Bala’s Fortress reminding one of the fiery pits of Mordor and his main general Iyam looking like an evil version of Aragon.

All these apparent similarities makes one wonder how short is the creative leash on which Shekhar Kapoor’s cabal operates.

Even though one can and does come to terms with Devi being a hazy reflection of Durga yet these abysmal borrowings from Hollywood, pulp comic fiction, and feminist rhetoric clearly makes one wonder whether Indian creative artists can come up with original content.

Compared to Sadhu, the earlier title from Virgin Comics, Devi thus far has failed to hold my interest but I am still willing to give it some grace marks due to the beautiful mesmerizing graphics.

October 05, 2006

Mother's Endless Job- Cleaning Baby Butts

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Being a mother is a source of joy most of the times but there are slight hiccups that makes a mother wonder when, if ever, she would emerge from catering to kiddie nature calls. I am sick and tired of cleaning poopy butts every freaking morning. My day begins with smelling dirty one year old diaper and hearing a four year old voice yell- Aayan done potty, bums need cleaning.

There is absolutely nothing cute about cleaning the bums with water, those flaky bits and pieces of poop on the little arse holes make me want to gag each time I have to clean them up. Wipes cause diaper rash during summer, toilet paper gives them itchy ass and the desire to let them wipe their stinking bums against the floor doggie style would be a sad reflection on me as a mother.


Potty training is the first step that differentiates a human pup from an animal's baby but even more vital difference that lies between humans and animals is being able to wash our own butts or have devices that do it for us.

There is nothing more nasty than picking up someone's poop no matter how much love and affection may lie between two people.


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