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November 28, 2006

Another 'Fuck Me Please Mail' Courtesy Orkut

Hey I am Pradeep here,

Just wanted to know you better. I am in town only for a few days. and i am looking for some friend who can share some cool relation with me,.

I believe in fuck and forget.. not hard relations please. just looking for some pleasure in bed.

Believe me it is great to have extra marritial relation that makes your love life great cause u learn a lot

Interested in me ?
Just mail me

I know u might be thinking that how can u trust me.. dear i am here for fun and belive me i am hiding my identy and so will u, we can go to a place of your choice.

try i gaurinty it will be fun


Pradeep
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This follows my earlier experiences with Orkut

Sigh. Do they think this actually works?

November 27, 2006

Shedd Aquarium

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A job I'd love to have in my next life:) Grab a few fish and swim in blissful ignorance.

Sex And Reproduction For HIV Patients

There have been many breakthroughs in the field of medicine to improve the lives of those suffering from HIV but now thanks to the antiretroviral treatment people with HIV can not only lead healthy sex lives but also make decisions with regards to sexual reproduction.

Even though the recent medication makes HIV no different from treating a chronic illness I'm not too comfortable about the childbearing issue. Though lots of kids are born with HIV but to deliberately bring one into this world knowing what the kid might face doesn't feel right to me.

Obviously I need to do more reading up on this issue before I tilt one way or the other.

November 25, 2006

Princess Leia's Lumps

Lego never seemed sexier!

November 23, 2006

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE

November 22, 2006

Hitchhiker On A Smoky Road

“God damn it!” He muttered and peered through the windshield of his new Esteem. The wipers were whooshing away the water right to left, the windshield was wiped clean despite the torrential rain, dark shadows jumped in front of his car, people trying to cross, he braked, peered again through the glass, whoosh ,whoosh the rain pelted down the windshield, thunder rolled but the AC hummed silently in the interior of his car.

The CD player was deliberately kept off. He needed to concentrate, pedestrians swarmed the roads like locusts, some were even known to splatter on the windshields of speeding cars, blood on the road, traffic jams, fumes of midnight stranded trucks fogging up the air with chemicals and him twiddling his thumbs on his steering wheel wondering who the next SOB would be to die a dog’s death.

If there was hell he knew Hosur Road was a teaser of what life down and under would be like and there would be no respite. He was already living it commuting day in day out trying to reach the Electronic City with his car and sanity intact.

He had to attend a late night conference call. The bridge was facing some server issues and he had drive all the way from Parade Grounds. It was eleven in the night, the same time the previous night he had seen the whitish entrails of a brain lying on the road.

Orphaned brain lying on the road and cars gave it eerie respect by slowly driving past it, like little children the drivers had gawked at the forgotten human gore, he was amongst them enthralled by the macabre of the road sideshow and drove back home with the subdued by the memory of how vulnerable humans really are.

Now was not the time to remember it, with all the rain and lack of visibility he needed to keep his wits about him. Fuck the brain, the oozing storehouse of thoughts and deeds lying naked on the filthy road, fuck! He wanted the thought plucked out of his freaking brain— FUCKKKKK…

His foot slammed on the brakes, his car came to a screeching halt and threw his body forward and within a split second was yanked back by an unforgiving seat belt.

“What in the name of hell?” He wheezed and clutched his pounding heart.

He peered out of his glass, whoosh, whoosh went the wipers, the rain slammed against the glass, he peered closer. What the fuck was it? A body? Someone had come before his car? There was nothing there.

He sat back and started the car. Cars behind him honked, the moment was gone, he put his foot on the clutch, and gently released it as he pressed down the accelerator, the car was on first gear- How he loved his car. A smile broadened across his dark congenial face. She was brand new, pearl grey and glided on the road. Slowly he let her go- the lioness on a short leash; she was a beauty----“what the fuck! ”he barked.

A hand slammed against the windshield, ghostly white with pink bangles twinkling in the pouring rain. A drenched face peered back at his shocked face and gave a pleading smile. She was pretty in a North Indian way, sharp features, big black eyes, quivering lips and rope like hair caressing her young breasts. She reminded him of a drenched lily; it was rare to catch glimpses of such gleaming beauties.

Transfixed he rolled down his window. He had forgotten his anger. He was going to play knight to her damsel in distress.

‘How may I help you?’ he kept his eyes trained on her face. This was not the time to check her out like a Lothario and spook her.

“My car broke down a few miles away. Nobody’s willing to give me a lift. Could you drop me near Electronic City?” She pleaded and smiled at him while he stared back at the tiny river streaming down her magnificent aquiline nose.

He opened his mouth but the words remained unspoken as she climbed into the car and made a puddle on his new leather passenger seat.

There was going to be a stain. She gave him a radiant smile. He smiled back awkward and started the ignition.

The car purred to life and silently took to the road. He cleared his throat; she smoothed her wet wrinkled kurta. The glass bangles twittered between them hinting for the need of empty words to break the ice.

“So, do you work in a call center?” he asked keeping his eye on the slow truck chugging on the road. 'Bure nazaarwala tera muh kala' the sign read under the Haryana license plate.

‘Figures’ he smiled internally and waited an answer.

She murmured “Yes, Sir.”

“Sir?” He was amused “Don’t call me sir. I’m barely ten years older than you.”

Her lips twitched but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

Her trepidation was understandable, she was taking a lift in the middle of the night and he looked like a hulky dark gorilla out to pillage nubile virgins.

He was enjoying himself all of a sudden. He was the cat and she the mouse but he sought to put her at ease. She was, after all, barely out of college.

“Doesn’t a van come to pick you up?” he asked again.

“It used to but now days I commute alone.” She replied while watching the passing world through little beads of water glistening on the car window.

He looked at her from the corner of his eye and wondered if there was any need to be nice. He could just as well remain quiet and drop her wherever she wanted.

“My sister worked in a Wipro Call Center in Delhi.” He told her and wondered why he felt the need to talk.

“My boyfriend works in Wipro.” She replied.

“He doesn’t mind you gallivanting in the middle of the night.”

A frown marred her creamy forehead. He smiled to take the sting out of the words and put a Yanni C.D in his player.

Generic pseudo meditative music began to play in the background as he honked at the traffic. The truck before him had come to a standstill and farted out some noxious fumes.

“Bloody traffic” he muttered. “I don’t understand how we are expected to put up with these nightmarish conditions on the road and yet be productive.”

She nodded and looked animated for once. “I agree. It’s getting very difficult to commute. It’s the buses and trucks that are choking the roads.”

“True” he agreed and slowly accelerated as the traffic jam before him began to clear.

“I mean, its getting difficult for me to get a lift on this road.” Her beautiful eyes flashed as she went on to protest.

“Everyone is in such a hurry to get past that they aren’t concerned about each other or the people crossing or waiting on the road.”

He nodded his head and tried to interrupt her- “But it isn’t the fault of those driving-…”

“Of Course it’s their fault.” She scolded him “There is no humanity left on this road.”

The cymbals were reaching a climax on his CD player and he visualized Yanni waving his long Greek hair with the Taj behind him. The rain began to batter his car as if to provide the right ambience to the music and the thunder crackled loudly and lightened up the young girl’s passionate face in a luminous glow.

Her lips looked pink and an inner glow gave her a spooky surreal presence. He felt his hair prickle, goose bumps rose all over his body.

It was a fantastic moment, quite extraordinary as if out of a B-grade Hindi flick. She remained oblivious to the dramatic moments that had transpired and continued talking.

“I had been standing out in the rain since an hour and a half. But did any one have the decency to stop? No! They just carried on.”

He suppressed a grin as she reminded him of Elizabeth Taylor in the role of Katherine in Taming of the Shrew. She was an impassioned beauty and this young girl would grow to be a beautiful spite fire like that erstwhile heroine.

Though she was dripping all over his newly upholstered seat he felt himself lose himself in her presence. He felt like a fly stuck in her silken web.

“I swear if I didn’t have to make these rounds….” Her bangles now seemed to clash instead of twitter.

“Rounds?” he frowned as he swerved and avoided a pedestrian.

“I thought you worked in a call center.”

“Of course I work in a call center. It’s a figure of speech.” She glared at him.

‘No it isn’t.’ He thought and looked at her. Her skin was flushed to a rosy pink as if she had just had a rough tumble in bed. He scolded himself for that nasty thought and reminded himself that she was barely at a legal age to drink forget about fucking.

He felt uncomfortable as desire and a weird feeling burned in his gut. The space between them, all of a sudden seemed to narrow.

He shifted his gear and fell silent as she went on talking in a crisp North Indian accent.

“Bangaloreans are an evil lot. They run over people, they break traffic rules and fight like animals on the road. How many people have to die before they come to their senses?”

Aria began to play in the background but his nerves were now on the edge. She sounded like a shrew. He wanted to fuck her, beat her, punch her, god; he wanted to shut that jabbering mouth for ever. What did that bitch think? That she could bully him?

His hands shook on the steering wheel. What the hell? What was he thinking? He felt a surge of anger, desire and panic mix in a heady rush of adrenaline. He saw himself grabbing a knife and jabbing her again and again with it. Blood spurting all over his seat as she’d squeal her last breathe out.

He passed a sign that said Electronic City. His massive shoulders heaved as he took shallow breaths. He wanted to fucking kill the bitch.

She went on talking as if nothing had gone wrong. “You remember the brains lying on the road?”

He glared at her. If she blabbered any more he’d fucking kill the cunt.

“Did anyone remove them? They just drove around. Impotent bastards! You all are the same” she screeched.

“We are all the same? What the fuck do you mean?” He bellowed.

“You fucking men are all the same. You think everything is for your taking. The road, the world, the women, its all about pillaging, raping, murdering.” She snarled and hit him with her little fists.

He brought his car to an abrupt halt on the middle of the road and grabbed her throat.

“I will kill you! You fucking whore! Cunt, bitch” he throttled her and heard her gaggle and choke.

“Die bitch! Die!” he screamed as her eyes bulged.

She tried to remove his death gripe with her fluttering hands. Desire and exhilaration rose in his belly. His penis was hard. It was all so real and so much fun. He had never felt like this before.

Her tongue rolled out, eyes swooned, bangles broke, hair swayed as he took her life and Aria played in the background.

The wipers swooshed as he killed her. She drew her last breath and lay limp in his grasp. She was dead.

He moved away from her. WHAT HAD HE DONE? He stared at his hands in horror and then at her.

“WAKE UP! FOR GOD’S SAKE!” he shook her body. “I didn’t mean to kill you” he wept.

Resting his head against the steering wheel he cried in despair. Loud wails of hopelessness shook his six foot body. He had killed an innocent person for no reason at all.

A persistent knock on his car became a bang and demanded his attention. He raised his head and saw a drenched cop staring at him through his window.

He rolled down his window and muttered “Please help me. I’ve kil….”

“Sar! move yer car. You are causing a jam.” The cop shouted at him.

“My passenger needs help” he shouted. He was hanging on by the last shred of sanity. How did it come to this?

The cop hunkered down and surveyed the car and looked at him, perplexed.

“What passenger?”

He turned and stared at the empty passenger seat .

“Huh?” he gaped

“Move your car, Sar!” the cop banged his car bonnet and moved on

He ran a hand over the passenger seat. It was dry.

What the Fuck Had Just Happened? Where the fuck was she? Who the fuck was she?




November 20, 2006

Brangelina And Family In Mumbai

Do we need to know what Brangelina and her entourage have been up to in India at every god forsaken moment? Recently I saw a snap of them on a boat ride in Mumbia and I felt bad for them. To live in a gilded cage cannot be easy for any famous family especially when they would want to have some regular fun as regular families generally do. You know, go to Pizza Hut, Mickey D or do some site seeing in a new country without hordes of people gaping or worst still trying to get a piece of you or your clothing.

November 19, 2006

Sexy Blame Game

Is there really an incapable man behind a frigid woman? I have my doubts about these kinds of blanket statements that do not have any sort of statistical backing except maybe feature in the Readers Digest which incidentally the above quote did about ten years ago.

What reminded me of this bullshit quote was a news piece about men being responsible for the level of sexual satisfaction between couples. Come again? There are enough men who are comfortable with their sexuality but are stuck with frigid babes who rather fake squeal the orgasm or take it lying 'corpse' down since sex for them is a dirty, base act.

The 2006 report reveals that "about half of South African men (45 percent) and women (51 percent) are not fully satisfied with their sex life", while a "keynote finding" shows that 50 percent of males and females interviewed globally "are not fully satisfied with their sex lives", says Mabotha.

He highlights that it "indicates that South Africa is consistent with the global trends" - that "one in two men and women around the world are not fully satisfied sexually".

Not fully satisfied? In my books thats a positive sign. There is some room to grow, experiment, enjoy and if nothing else get Viagra.


November 17, 2006

Drowned Reptile In My Tub

How long does it take to drown? Barely ten seconds if you happen to be a lizard. Today just as I hopped out of my bathtub a lizard fell in and I watched it drown and there was nothing I could do since I was shivering in my birthday suit

The dance of death was quite graceful, it splashed around rigorously, tried to climb the slippery sides, then gently swayed to the bottom of the tub belly up.

The little white body is still lying there with some goo floating around. The cleaning lady didn't turn up today and I refuse to go anywhere near the loo. Its just too yucky. Too many animals living in my house and now a cat has been shacking up expecting a saucer of milk at six in the morning.

November 13, 2006

Fed-EX Brandishes Sex Tape

Another sex tape? What is this fetish that celebs have with taking videos of them humping? Especially when the probability of a leak is quite high. Fed-Ex is now threatening to damage Brits wholesome image (was there ever one?) by putting up a marathon sex video between the two if she doesn't cough up some mulla

The quote- 'If you lie down with dogs you are bound to get up with fleas'- is quite apt for Britney

November 12, 2006

Sex Allergies

People are allergic to all kinds of things- chemicals, vegetation, food, drinks but here is a new one- there are women who are allergic to Sex. To be precise they are allergic to the protein in the semen. The solution is to use condoms or an antihistamine or vaginal Cromolym sodium.

November 08, 2006

Britney Shcocks!!

Britney's trailer trash image could not have been hurt any further by the recent 'shcocking' video that has been making rounds online. A bona fide judge agreed that her reputation could not have been hurt by the oral sex video and no matter how many times she screams 'it ain't me' but we have yet to hear from her soon be ex- husband. That being said there is a snippet of his eye popping interview on Much Music courtesy YouTube where he received an SMS about the divorce news.

Is Britney on her way to being the new Elizabeth Taylor Prima donna discarding husbands even before she is done producing via them? Yup, back to Jerry Springer for you saggy tits!!

Kirstie's Weight Loss Secret: Sex

Yeah, right! Kirstie Alley and an Oprah fan want us to believe that wild romps made them lose weight. Let me see- the secret for losing weight is to become a nymphomaniac and do the neighborhood or tamper your lover/husband's drink with Viagra and keep him going for four hours straight. Who needs the gym.....ludicrous

November 07, 2006

Apologies All Round

Today I made some glaring mistakes on my posts. Couple of notes to myself-

1) No blogging when half my mind is on my kids and the other half is trying to be in the writer's Shangri La

2) Make sure the maid is around to give me a cup of tea, I'm zoned out most of the times due to sleep deprivation- too much exertion during the days and the following nights:)

3) I will ensure that I give my personal blog the same respect as I give Desicritics and Suspended Moments- meaning- rigorous proof reading.

Nothing is more hideous than typo errors. I hang my end in shame today!

Parita

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Which Butt Is Mine?

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Recycling Underwear

My underwear is your underwear but at a certain lowly price. People in Kenya are mad with the officials who want to ban sales of second hand underwear. Talk about recycling but poverty and recycling does go together or being thrifty for that matter or riffling raffling through garbage.

Yesterday I saw a some villagers picking up trash strewn around the empty plot next to our home. I was thrilled, the place was getting cleaned up. A few hours later I came out and saw the trash but the cleaners were nowhere in sight. It was then that I realized that the scavengers actually had come to up the choicest pieces. Till then the plot continues to serve as pooping, peeing and trashing grounds for those who sneak out in the shadows of the night;)

Britney At The Letterman Show- Blah! Whatever happened to You, Brits??

I've never been in favor of Liposuction, bumsuction but after seeing Britney looking like a Jerry Springer guest at the Letterman show I am now all for nipping and tucking for celebs. She looks what she is- Trailer Trash! PS: Don't miss the thighs in that awful outfit even my grandma wouldn't be caught dead in!

Hyena With Hungry Eyes

Today while walking through the flower section in a shop at the mall I came face to face with a fat man who blatantly stared at me. Initially I wondered - Do I know the man? Not that I could remember. Why was the fat ass staring at me? Fucking idiot, lecherous bastard.

I found myself wanting to pick up a silk rose right next to the creep. How was I to get? Go around him? ?Or approach him with a fearless strut, say excuse me bend down and pluck the snowy white rose up? I stared back at him, after all, I was no longer a teenager being groped in a bus. For Chris sakes I was a mother of two kids and was in a public place. Straightening my back I marched up to him, looked at the snake right in the eye and said a chilled - Excuse me, please. Though I really wanted to say was- What the fuck is wrong with you? Never seen a woman before?

He moved an inch. An inch! the frigging bastard was still hogging the narrow space and I had to squeeze past him. I kept telling myself- No part of my body should touch him. Slimy toad. I bent down to pick the rose up and I knew the jackass was checking my plump ( plump sounds better than fat) butt, I could feel his eyes on my frigging butt.

I was mad by then, I stood up and glared at him. His moist mouth was slightly tilted in an ugly smile and had trained his hungry hyena eyes on me. The fucker gave me a once all and I nearly threw my bunch of flowers on his shitty head.

I stood my ground and stared back at him, didn't say a word but glared at him. He was a shameless hussy, he stared back- the hyena and the lioness in a deadly show down at the shopping Serengeti. He lost his nerve when a couple came up behind me and with an oily smile picked up three silk Birds of Paradise and left.


November 06, 2006

When Love Takes Away The Fun

There is nothing more irritating than a lovelorn friend especially when the person is living with you 27/7. There is only so much- there...there one can say, or the 'bitch isn't worth it, man' which then finally degenerates to- What the Fuck MAN! ENOUGH ALREADY!!

November 05, 2006

Time And Toes

Time tends to erase the most precious memories of the departed but the one memory that will always stay with me are my dad's toes placed on a coffee table peeking out from his bedroom door left ajar, across the corridor to be seen from where I was sitting in the living room.

I remember looking at his toes with grief and intense sadness, my world as I had known at the age of twenty four had come to an end. He had been told that he would live no longer than ten years but he never made it beyond a month after the news was delivered to him. Fibrosis of the lungs had him wheezing like an asthma patient and the steroids had weakened his immunity system towards the smallest viral or bacteria in the air and body.

I still remember that evening- staring at those ten toes, crossed and twitching from time to time. The television had been blaring with his favorite show - Saanz and my mother was sitting with him silently. It had been their twenty-eighth anniversary. The house was quiet, we were all quiet, sitting in different rooms and yet thinking the same thing- Why him ? Why our family? How were we to deal with? We were a stoic bunch, never showed our emotions to each other and then, more than ever, the chasm between us deepened.

I didn’t know how to put my arms around him and tell him that I loved him and didn’t want him to leave, the very same thing I found myself telling him by his death bed before they pulled him off the ventilator.

I don’t like to remember my father the way he was in the hospital or when they bought his body home. His skin had been baby soft, eyes closed, there had een light pink hue to his skin. I had refused to believe that the shell left behind was my dad. He was gone and so many things between us had been left unsaid.

It has been seven years to his passing and yet we as a family have yet to come to terms with it. Since his death we haven’t gone through any family albums, my elder sister refuses to see her wedding video for seeing our energetic dad smiling on the camera makes her cry, my mother a lonely woman lives for the sake of her kids and grumbles about my father leaving her too young.

‘He had no business leaving us’ she would say. ‘Why didn’t he take care of himself better?’ she would ask.

All the ifs, coulds and woulds would be aired when we would remember him during occasions of difficulties and joy. We miss him still, a lot.

In my mind the clock has come to a standstill- it’s his fair pink toes that I miss the most. My mother never ages beyond the age of 51, no matter how many times she tells me that she is now 58, older and greyer. To my mind she is still the age when my father died, 51, the age when she grew older within a day, when they bought him home, dead and departed.

How irrational can my mind be? To remember toes and no more, to think that someone remains a certain age forever by default, to change channels when the radio would play old Hindi songs that were his favorite.

Even when we think that we have moved, the erasing of memories by time only makes the pain a little more duller but deeper as we trudge on living the daily hum drum of life.


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