Things That Bang

If they ever remake Dracula they should cast Angelina Jolie as Lucy Westernra. The woman looks like a bag of bones without an ounce of blood running in her veins. She is a beauty fading fast, what happened? Kiddies and hubby eating up her share of the food. Where is my Italian chef? Time to put some meat back on those ghostly cheeks. Or could it be that she is PREGNANT?

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Its such a dead beat idea to go on a vacation with one's ex-sex buddy and her husband. Any sane Woody Allen buff would tell Hugh that one never goes on a vacation with an ex without a fuck puppy tagging along. The ex has her fuck puppy whereas Hugh has his hand on his crotch forehead saying- LOSER!!

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I'm seriously done telling people that I am a porn writer not a porn hoster! Yeah, many companies have blocked my blog, they don't want you to get a boner while you swirl on your chair in your minuscule little cubicle. But we all know that boners have a mind of its own. A little bit of cleavage, a whiff of strange sexy perfume and you could muttering to the little man - down boy, stay ...don't raise your head, there is no way I can hold this conversation with you in a office. You naughty boy...you!!

Yeah, me talking to you like this gets my site red marked. But you're my buddy albeit a silent one, returning silently to sit by my fire and together we ward away the cold, the brutalities of the world and enjoy a few adult jokes, mull over newsy items or just share a few sane moments.

Thanks for sticking around, today I appreciate your silent support with all my heart:)

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In Assam about 168 tea laborers have died over five months due to water borne diseases.

Tea estate managers in India's Assam state will be charged with manslaughter if more labourers die of water-borne diseases, officials have warned.

Apparently the water from the garden tube wells is making the people sick and despite government warnings no actions seem to have been taken.

In other news UFO was seen hovering over Kolkata skies. No green men were reported joining the Communist March or invading the sweet shops.

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Although the central theme of the book One Way To Pakistan is about the expatriate experience and the existence of sex slavery in Pakistan, but the demons of Islamic zealotries and political fascism that plague and paralyze the characters' lives in the post 9/11 scenario have been woven into the story quite well. The lack of freedom suffered by both men and women is brought to the forefront by the author, whether they are rich or poor; each fears the long arm of the law and suffers under its brutal tactics that begins with the ominous ‘First Information Report for police files for not following the law’.

To some, the Pakistani way of life may seem fraught with insecurity and religious intolerance, but in Harold’s book, while depicting such conditions he also shows that though a culture may be capable of following certain barbaric practices yet the spirit of human kindness continues to kindle in the hearts of those who are seemingly unimportant.

The characters in his book are complex people - some in position of power are predatory, some are social climbers and others just leading lives of petty crime like evading taxes, stealing electricity or tucking away a sex slave in a remote ancestral home. In the complex scenario, seething with repressed sexual tension entwined with religious prohibitions, Harold explores the concept of innocence, whether of the expatriate women like Gretchen or Celia who believe in basic human goodness in men and land up getting roughed up and mauled, or of the sex slaves like Ankh or Leila, sold into slavery or abducted, who continue to be more humane in their simple lives and try to survive even in the worst of situations and also of young unemployed men like Dost who teeter at the brink of cynicism and hopelessness.

In some ways this story could just as well have been set in India. While the urban centers are progressive and secular, the underbelly of our country is equally horrific where the rights of the vulnerable are easily trampled upon and rarely reported. Women and children frequently go missing from rural areas and are rarely reported. The recent report of the gang rape of a Dalit woman and the apathy of the political machinery shamed us into acknowledging the discrepancies within our own social fabric and the stigma the violated victim suffers from.

While the book’s storyline is dark, by virtue of being an excellent writer Harold transports us easily from the US expat mansions to the remote villages of the NWFP. Through his words we are able to feel the vastness of a land still untamed, and also the wild spirit of the tribes who refuse to submit to Pakistani rule and their war against USA.

Though the terrorism angle is brought in towards the end of the book, it does have relevance in the plot and is believable. The anger against the U.S. amongst the Pakistani people is palpable and the risks that the American women take, despite repeated warnings lands them in trouble time and time again. The question of assimilation itself does not arise when these people are basically visiting only for a short duration and it seems naïve to think that their one small victory makes any difference in the grand scheme of things.

In the end the book is about the insurmountable human spirit that endures despite all that life throws its way.

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Shusaku Endo’s book Scandal discusses the fundamental darkness that resides within the heart or in the Alaya Consciousness. Even though Shusaku was a Catholic yet he found himself to be drawn to Buddhism. In the Preface of his book Damian Flanagan quotes the author:

The biggest difference between Buddhism and Christianity is that Christianity gives great consideration to the relationship between oneself and others, but Buddhism considers the true self within oneself …So I resolved to delve into what in Buddhism is called the Alaya Consciousness or what in Depth Pyschology is called the world of unconsciousness. My novels by virtue of being ‘probing novels, pursuing novels’ had systematically assumed the pattern of probing into others. So this time I thought I would try to write a novel in which I probed for this other self within myself.

While we see glimpses of the author, we are cautioned that the book is about the unconscious mind and a lot of unlikely things happen and meld into each other. It’s important that one read the preface of the book before delving into its dark depths since all that is written is not necessarily about the author himself.

Suguro, a well respected Catholic writer well into the declining years of his life is shocked when a drunk artist approaches him and alleges that they had some wild times in Tokyo’s red light district-Kabuki-cho. Shocked and embarrassed Suguro believes that there is a look alike impostor out to defame him. Far from being a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde story Scandal explorers the darker aspects people keep hidden away from themselves; whether it be rage, lust or cruelty that even small children are known to express when they taunt the weaker child.

While trying to look for his impostor Suguro and a reporter Kobari who is sniffing around for a story on Suguro’s colorful activities meet women who are in touch with their darker sides like Hina and Mrs Naruse who espouses that beauty is to be found in the darker recesses of the heart and to deny its place in one’s lives reeks of mendacity. Suguro is inevitably drawn to the middle aged lady, Mrs Naruse, and he excuses his need to be in touch with her by saying that a novelist needs to know the darker aspects of humanity. But here is the shining nugget of truth that the Edo wanted his readers to appreciate- for a writer to make his characters dark the writer has to feel the same negative emotions expressed by his characters – be it jealousy, lust, anger or any other sin and it drains the writer’s spirit.

I’m a novelist. A novelist who has to dirty his hands in the deepest recesses of the human heart. I have to thrust my hands in even if I find something there that God could never bless.

Suguro believes that sin is linked to the unconscious mind and salvation can only be found in sin but in a televised interview the interviewer draws parallel between Suguro’s concept of sin to the concept of Alaya Consciousness where the ‘seeds of defilement exist’.

From Unlocking the Mysteries Of Life and Death : Buddhism in Contemporary World By Daisaku Ikeda

The Alaya Consciousness is the store house of karma and it effects the way we perceive reality. All our experiences and actions in both this lifetime and previous ones, whether they are good or evil or somewhere in between are accumulated as seeds in the alaya-consciousness and these seeds in turn direct our future actions. Since karmic seeds are found only in the very deep level of life, they are unaffected by the external world. Nevertheless, there is a reciprocal influence between the seeds lying deep in the alaya- consciousness and the surface levels of consciousness, where the three kinds of action- thinking, speaking and doing- manifest themselves.

At the same time the alaya-consciousness contains not only the individual karma but also the karma common to his or her family and race and even to humanity as a whole

Scandal is Freudian in its flavor. Suguro acknowledges the fear of death, lust for Morita Mitsu the teenager and the need to return to his mother’s womb as negativities that he cannot deny. He finds himself tangled in the world of masochism and snuff, where death and suicide are seen as beautiful aspects of life. He is repulsed and intrigued at the same time.

While Endo plays around with paranormal concepts such as astral projection and doppelganger as alternative explanation for Suguro’s imposter but he doesn’t deviate from the central theme. Suguro finds himself envying his wife who seems to be unaware of her dark side and yet he considers her to be poor in spirit for she has never explored the darker side of her nature and led a life of blissful ignorance.

’In some ways, you are poor in spirit too.’

‘Is that sarcasm?’

‘Not at all. In contrast to you….’ Once again he tried to swallow the words… 'Unlike you, I can never become one poor in spirit. I’m not the man you think I am. I have secrets I have not told you.

By the end of the book when Sugoro finally faces the darkness lies dormant in the recesses of his heart he is doesn’t know how to deal with it. And in that moment of great suffering salvation comes his way, he is bathed in a light of profound love and peace. Facing his fundamental darkness changes Sugoro though he realizes that there are consequences he has to deal with not only as a writer but also as a human being.

The book reflects Edo’s tussle with his faith and also the lack of responsibility he felt towards his readers. At one point when Sugoro’s friend dies in the eulogy he says that his friend Kano never curried favour with his readers, never ingratiated himself with the times- his was self willed literature that expressed what he felt had to be written. That self will became a way of life for him
Being true to oneself, then obviously comes at a heavy price where one knows one’s basest desires for what they are and realizes that one should not imprisoned by the image the world creates for them. Sugoro in the end decides to unmask the upstanding image of a Christian writer that his readers had of him and write a darker novel truer to his heart.

In fact Endo himself once said that he had to give voice to the other that resided within him – the darker him and hence came about the book – Scandal , a book that is considered to be the finest of its time in Japanese literature.

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I am currently cut off from the net world since the Bangalore rains fucked up the telephone cables and it will be a while before my life is restored back to normal. I am suffering from withdrawls. Never been much of a TV watcher and how many books can I read? Malls make me puke and my friends are available only during weekends.

Kids are bugged that their mom is getting too hands on and the maid wants me to stop haunting the kitchen. I am so bloody PHU-CKED!!

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While watching the re-runs of Ghost Whisperer I was struck by the rage that invariably came Melinda Gordon’s (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) way, whether it was expressed by the dead or the living. The need to lash out was always disturbing in its ferocity and Melinda could never get used to it even though she faced the brunt of this emotion frequently. Being the recipient of someone’s anger is never easy and to lash back is an instinctive reaction. Melinda Gordon, however rarely reacted in the same tone when others called her a fake, a charlatan out to make an extra buck on their grief. It showed a lot of maturity on the part of her character and made me wonder if I had it in me not to lash out especially when I knew for sure that the allegations made against me were not true.

It’s very easy for me to get angry – to give it back in kind but the attitude that all I have is ‘me’ no longer works. It’s a self absorbed attitude, none of us are really alone. Many a times in anger when we burn our bridges we also land up burning others’ bridges. It’s the ripple effect. And that realization has taught me forbearance. To let matters go before my ‘justified’ anger would blow matters out of proportion. Nowadays I let things ride. It takes so much less energy not to respond to someone looking for a fight, to look at the bigger picture and realize that I cannot let that person’s anger become my own.

It’s like the U2 song – Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of. Even though the song was about about the suicide of his close friend Michael Hutchence, the late lead singer of the band INXS yet we all do get stuck ourselves in the moment of anger, sorrow or depression and don’t see a way out. We obsess and become self-centered; unable to get rid of the tick in our minds that drains us energy we continue to mop for days whereas the cause of our endless gloom probably moved on right after his outburst. Rarely does our unexpressed anger serve any purpose; all it does is burn some red blood cells and makes us boorish companions.

For some people forgiveness works. They become the bigger person and let the matter go but for me humor works. I tell myself that I have no way of vindicating myself when the individual has already made up his mind about me and then laugh at my own dramatic over reaction and move on.

Anger hardly ever serves any purpose except when it is ‘Righteous’. In the social context the term ‘righteous’ anger works but in our daily lives it’s a tricky word. Is it right to ride on our high horse and lash out on someone without giving them a chance to say something in their own defense? And no I am not talking about situations where abuse is involved but mundane situations where we misunderstand each other or prejudge someone’s actions and get mad.

To see the other’s point of view often enough calms us down and yet there are times when they are just wrong and there is no way of excusing their behavior. Do we then continue to be charitable and forgive or raise our middle finger and tell them to go where the sun don’t shine? These are decisions that cannot be made in anger but with a rational mind since we may come to regret the damage done in years to come.

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A few months ago I got into a massive debate about the gay sub-text in J.K Rowling's Harry Potter. People laughed at me when I vehemently insisted that there was no gay love between any of the characters but on the 19th of October 2007 (yes, its a historical event) I was proved wrong by the author herself:

First, the biggest revelation of the night came when Jo revealed to her audience the fact that Albus Dumbledore is gay and had fallen in love with fellow wizard and friend, Gellert Grindelwald. This elicited a huge reaction and prolonged ovation. So much so, it promoted Jo to say:

"If I had know this would have made you so happy, I would have told you years ago."

If she had done so the moral police would have burned her on the pyre for being an immoral corrupter of children insidiously selling the gay sex culture to children and adult alike. Where is my pitchfork!! Shame on Rowling!;)!

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I'm the kind who likes to burn bridges or rather tug the thread till the entire sweater unravels and lies in a muddle of mess and in manic anger I think - 'there! I have decimated you! You don't exist' and in that anger my love for that person dies- there is no pain just the need to have nuked the bridge, to have burned that sweater, to have just let it all go in the blink of an eyelid and believe that nothing tangible ever existed- neither did the bridge, nor the love nor the pain.

Small Squirrel wrote a beautiful piece of fiction on DC about the unraveling but with a different take and its a must read. Here is an excerpt from Loose Ends

Its the coming apart that is frightening. You see the first thread start to pull and you think it should hold. You notice the tension on the fabric, but you think to yourself "naaaaah, should be fine... it's strong enough." Maybe you even snip a couple loose ends. That ought to do the trick nicely.

Or you've seen the loose thread and you absentmindedly worry it like a loose tooth. that kind of pain that is almost pleasant. Comforting? Wrong word.

The lady knows how to get it just where it still hurts and breathes:)

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For once I have no bitchy comments to pass over a celebrity but express praise and heartfelt admiration. Colin Farrell's 4 year old son has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

Four-year-old James was diagnosed with the rare condition Angelman Syndrome before he reached his first birthday.

Reformed wildman Farrell has now chosen to speak out about his son's condition in the hope that it will give inspiration to other parents.

Being a parent I can understand the worries Colin and his ex-girlfriend Kim Bordenave must be going through but Colin expressed that there was no heartbreak and he was incredibly blessed to have his son in his life.

And Farrell was eager to praise the efforts of little James in coping with his disorder, a form of cerebral palsy which is usually characterised by developmental delay, speech impediment and seizures.

'He took his first steps about six weeks ago and it was four years in the making. All the work is his - he's worked his a**e off for four years and when he took the steps it was incredible. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

'He's broken that barrier and it's about building on that now.'

Parents with special children have a tougher life than parents like us. They have to find more strength and hope in their hearts. They have to help the child feel secure and happy just the way he is. There is so much more that goes into trying to make the family wholesome and happy than anyone of us can imagine.

I didn't want people to think that I was embarrassed by it.
I don't want to be getting up on my high horse but it would be nice if some people read this and were affected by it in a positive way.
I think for people who have children with intellectual disability that me coming out and talking about it might be a small bit of solidarity and if that happens it would be good.'

Kudos to Colin for talking about his son's condition, for showing that there is no stigma attached to having special children and that it is important to show the parents that they aren't alone in their fights.

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If Junichiro Tanizaki wrote his book The Key during the mid-eighties or -nineties then the title of his book could well have been Sex, Lies and a Video Tape a Key. Written way back in 1956, the book seems strangely very modern in its take. It’s a story about a man in his mid-fifties unable to satisfy his over-sexed yet repressed wife. Though it may seem dichotomous, Ikuko, his wife, likes sex but due to her conservative upbringing denies her husband and herself exploratory acts in bed.

Frustrated, the husband decides to keep a diary of his sexual acts with his wife, hoping that she would read it and the book would act as a bridge between them. The book is in the form of diary entries made by both the husband and his wife separately.

The book is a splendid take on early-20th century Japan and the changes it wen through through post the Second World War. Times were changing fast and yet some things remained the same. Husbands and wives were still stuck in formal relationships where affection and even anger was left unexpressed, where sheer politeness suffocated a relationship and sex was merely a dirty act relegated to the darkened bedroom.

The desire expressed by the husband to see his forty-something wife’s body under a fluorescent lamp while she is lying in a drunken stupor reflected the need he felt to have an open relationship with his wife, whereas the wife initially drunk, took to the pattern of letting her husband get her drunk just to allow wild sex at night.

Ikuko, unlike her husband, does not love her husband freely; she loves him out of tradition and due to the urges of her body. In many ways her character gives us a peek into the repressed lives of Japanese women of the bygone era, with their dainty feminity covering their sexual urges.

While Ikuko is the modal of Japanese etiquette, her daughter Toshiko is far more open in her anger and embarrassment with her parents sudden out of control behavior. Groans and moans seeping through paper thin screens and a frequently drunk naked mother lying naked in a tub could hardly be acts that any young woman would tolerate especially when the person who’d be drinking with her parents very evening was a beau of hers, Kimura san.

Of course, Kimura san is the third spoke in the wheel and is the object of desire of the old mother and envy of the aging husband.

Though the book is a slim 160 pages, yet the storyline is rich and there is much one can glean about relationships and how they were mangled by the barriers of silence and hierarchy that existed in Japanese society.

Junichiro Tanizaki’s The Key was very impressive and a dark read, while delving into the depths of sexual obsessions, alcoholism and voyeurism he managed to get across a point quite clearly that even the most submissive or seemingly oppressed can be sociopathic in their make.

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If your sperm is damaged and you want to make a baby with your gal then abstinence is not for you. The good news is frequent sex hoses the pipe to let the good Jesus juice perform its miracle:

Dr Allan Pacey, the secretary of the British Fertility Society, said that while not having sex allowed the numbers of sperm to build up, there was a "trade-off" between quality and quantity.

"This research shows that when you put people on a daily ejaculation regime, it reduces the figure for DNA damage.

Let candle night dinners and lots of porn be the nightly staple diet;)

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"Bauji, please don’t let the kids sit backstage. The girls were talking about Sita smoking a beedi and stuffing her …..”

My grandfather blushed at my mother’s words.

Being the president of our community’s welfare organization my grandfather had the privilege of letting us girls sit at the backstage of the Ramleela.

We grew up looking forward to the autumn break when the weather became cold and we used to take our light blankets, assortments of dried fruits and nuts to the local park with our grandfather to see the Ramleela that started at ten in the night.

The Ramleela always started with an Aarti and a Bhajan. While most of the kids in the audience got antsy during the ‘pooja before the play’ period we were enthralled by the glamour of being backstage and watching men painting their faces and wearing exotic clothes and of course the beedi smoking Sita whose pallu was always unmanageable till ‘she’ came on stage and was suddenly transformed from a gawky adolescent to a graceful swan pleading and belting out mournful songs to the men in her life.

Our young hearts didn’t bleed for the anguish expressed by the separated lovers or for Lakshmana’s righteous anger, we invariably, as did other kids, look forward to Ravana. His cardboard cut head wobbled when he laughed and he seemed to be more animated than the talcum powered heartbroken Rama barely able to stand on his feet for two minutes and say a dialog instead of moaning for his Sita again and again on his knees.

Sita and Soorpnakha were of least importance except when Soorpnakha sang her lustful song and stalked the two 'Aryan' men around the stage. We tittered and guffawed when some smart alec from the audience would invariably make cat calls that our local eunuchs were far more seductive than Soorpnakha.

While some of the older folks in their 70s and even 80s (the aged were given chairs at the back) would break into religious songs, the kids in the front became more and more rowdy, like tipsy monkeys heckling and mocking the actors till one of the older folks half heartedly told us to behave ourselves.

During those few Ramleela nights our locality used to come alive. Music from the pandal blared late into the night and we kids used to walk back and forth from our homes to the park with our friends without any fear for our safety as the entire locality used to be up and about till one in the night.

The day before Ravana's effigy along with his son’s and brother’s was to be burned, they had the Jhankies go through the locality with all the actors sitting on them. We used to watch them go by from our balconies. The old ladies sang religious songs and we kids commented about the same chariot being used by Mr so and so’s son for his ‘Barat’.

When Dussera finally came, we used climb up our roofs and watch Ravana burn.

It used to be so much fun. But times have changed. Last year when I went back home, I was told that none of the locality people went for Ramleela, instead the slum dwellers did, it wasn’t safe for the locality people. There had been too many cases of chain-grabbing and eve-teasing, the Jhankies had stopped and so many buildings had mushroomed up that the effigy of Ravana could not be seen.

The number of crackers used in Ravana’s effigy had become drastically low, a few bangs and whistles and the show was over within ten minutes.

I was disappointed. Times have changed. Diwali too has become a quiet time back home. Since kids have become aware of child labor being used to make crackers and except for some ‘puppy-punju Lalla ji’ who would show off his largest ‘Lari’ the rest blow a few crackers most otherwise prefer to go for celebration parties held by family or friends.

Dussera and Diwali are times when I remember the older folks. For them these were times of prayer and quiet celebration. These were times when our community got together and re-affirmed their neighborly bonds.

But now these festivals have become commercialized and lack warmth since neighbors barely know each other. No more boxes of sweets are personally taken over to neighbors’ homes, friends tend to courier gifts to each other since the roads are jammed and religious prayers are supplanted with card parties.

Times change and so have people but I should be forgiven for missing those good old pre-video days when we played more, laughed more and enjoyed festivals with gusto.

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There will be no little muchacho for Eva Longoria and her hubby basketball star Tony Parker. She has been banned from feeling maternal desperation by Marc Cherry, the creator of Desperate Housewife:

The show's creator Marc Cherry doesn't want to go through the same complications as when Longoria's co-star Marcia Cross got pregnant.

Fair enough, but the money they must be shelling out to Eva must be substantial why else would she this kind of infringement lightly?

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When people send me forwards the only thing I wanna say to them- SPARE ME!

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At what age should we stop people from having children? Its just yucky when men in their 60s beget babies. Yeah, their sperms still feel 'twenty something' that wriggle and party all the way to the' thirty something' ovum but what conception brings in its trails is a child who would have a grandpa as a father. It just ain’t fair to have a pop who would be poppin’ pills in a retirement home instead of driving the kid to the prom night that is if he ain’t dead by then.

Men like Larry King and Nick Nolte may be cool old dudes but one has trouble visualizing them as daddies changing stinking diapers.

Actor Nick Nolte has become father to a baby daughter at the age of 66. The screen star and his long-term partner Clytie Lane, 38, have yet to name their first child, according to his spokesman Paul Bloch.

Congratulations are in order but come on daddy darlin' is way too old to sit up at night with a colicky baby.

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She doesn't believe in shooting stars,
But she believes in shoes and cars
----Kanye West

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Next year we will be completing seven years of our marriage. A friend joked whether either of us were going to suffer the 'seven year itch'. I wondered whether there was something magical about the seventh year but my research showed me Monroe's legs. People best remember that phase from the movie- The 7-Year Itch:

The Seven Year Itch is best-known to us as the title of the 1955 film, starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell and directed by Billy Wilder. The plot of has Ewell's character working for a company that is about to publish a book suggesting that a many men have extra-marital affairs after seven years of marriage - called the "7-Year Itch". The film contains one of the most famous images in cinema history - Monroe's dress blowing up over a subway grating. That supposed urge for infidelity after seven years of marriage is the meaning we now have for this phrase. It is now often extended to refer to an urge to move on from any situation, and not even limited to those of seven years' duration.

But the phase actually goes back to the early 19th century referring to a highly contagious skin disease:

The condition, which was bacterial in nature - causing highly irritating red pimples on the face and body, is now so easily treated as to have been virtually forgotten. In the 19th and early 20th centuries though it was viewed as being so bad that it was used as an appropriate imagined punishment for antisocial behaviour - "he should be given the seven-year itch and not be allowed to scratch". The difficulty of getting any relief from the condition was also expressed in the simile - "as close as the seven-year itch".

The phase moved on from referring to red bumps on the skin to generally impatience to move away from a situation or person.

As far as me feeling the seven year itch goes I may reach a 20 years itch but by then I probably would have reached nirvana holding a tub of butterscotch ice cream.

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Madonna should be featured in the Bowflex ad. The 49 year old can feature in a hot porno video and put all the bouncy cunt shaven bimbos to shame. The babe is so happening that she can still command a whooping $120 recording and touring deal with live entertainment promoter Live Nation Inc. and leave her longtime record label at Warner Music Group Corp.

Under terms of the proposed deal, Madonna, 49, would receive a signing bonus of about $18 million and a roughly $17 million advance for each of three albums, the person said. A portion of the compensation would involve stock, the person said.

And here many of us were expecting the Jewish MILF to live in a Kibbutz, pluck some olives and enjoy a quiet Sabbath instead the aging baby boomer is still active in the music world, has a successful marriage and a stable home.

There is much to be learned from the 80's sex icon who shocked us, entertained us but never let her 'work' image interfere with her personal life. Is Britney listening? She could have been the next Madonna instead she is on the precipice of trailer trash insanity.

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Did all that fried food (not drugs) finally take a toll on Bobby Brown's heart? The ex- Mr Whitney Houston suffered a mild attack and was taken to two hospitals. Two? Why? Was the waiting period in the emergency room too long in the first hospital. Did they not recognize him as the 'ain't no humping around' guy? Or did they mistake his chest pains to be mere gas pains?

Whatever be the cause we are glad he is back to his normal self and now that he knows what labor pains are all about he may become a born again Christian but will he have the strength to tell Satan to get behind him with that bucket of fried chicken?

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In the latest Britney Saga a judge ordered Britney to be booked for hit and run:

Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Rebecca Omens said the 25-year-old pop star must be fingerprinted and photographed before Oct. 25, when she is required to appear in court. Spears was charged last month with hit and run and driving without a valid license after she allegedly smashed her car into another in a parking lot in August.

Life seems to be taking a downward spiral for Ms Spears. As it is Britney in recent times has started looking like a hag instead of a nubile twenty something year old. Could it be the drugs, alcohol or plain misery that has aged the one time beauty who was the sole fantasy of thirty year old men.

The babe looks so bad that the only people who'd be interested having any kind of bodily contact would be the she-men in prison. And knowing Britney she may find a silver lining in prison- she won't feel as the ugliest of them all.

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A cellphone is a microwave, and basically the reason your ear gets hot is that you're warming it with a microwave. You like cooking your brain? How would you like to cook the brain of your child? We're not cannibals. We shouldn't be doing that.

-------Devra Davis in an Interview on Salon

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Today we talk about sex tapes. A 28 year old man today told In Touch Weekly that he had sex with Britney Spears but was unwilling to show the tapes since the sex was normal and lasted only for 25 minutes after which they both passed out on Britney Spear's Four Seasons room in Hawaii.

The mystery guy claims to have bedded Spears while she was vacationing on Hawaii in June - and he caught the sexploits on camera.

And Spears' one-night-stand lover insists the only thing that has been stopping him from going public with the sex tape is the fact he wasn't happy with his own performance which he caught on camera.

25 minutes ain't good enough? Oh yeah! So true! Most of our men can go on the entire night, have 12 inches long dongs and yeah we all have tapes to prove it! Me thinks the fellow probably had size issues or Britney probably dozed off in the middle and he was left groping her for 25 minutes or as we all know maybe just maybe there is no sex tape!

In any case I better put mine away ;)

In another news Eva Longoria admitted to having made a sex tape but said it was a fake

"I'm so amused. It's so funny. Oh my gosh. I've gotten like 100 calls on it saying it's so hilarious, even my husband thought it was freaking hilarious!

"We've got this comedian called Perry Hilton, who does everything that Paris Hilton does. If you go on there, he's gotten a DUI. He goes out clubbing.

So, they go, 'We want to do a sex video in that night vision - kind of like the one she did'."

Now why would anyone want to see a Paris Hilton impersonation? For Christ sakes there are so many celeb sex tapes circulating around that the only one that would make any waves would be one with Rosie Odonnel humping Jodie Foster!! Then again I'd rather get Conjunctivitis

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Bedsheets bearing the Swastika symbol have caused quite a commotion in the Jewish community in Mumbai. The bedsheets have been promoted under the NAZI tag- New Arrival Zone of India:

"We Jews believe that the best part of living in India is that it is a country that has never ridiculed us or harmed us," said Jonathan Solomon, chairman of the Indian Jewish Federation.

But the furnishing dealer Kapilkumar Todi shrugged off the community's protests:

"It really does not matter to me who feels bad about it,"

The makers of the bedsheets were also quick to point out that the swastika is originally a Hindu Symbol but then again why would a devout Hindu sleep on a 'divine' symbol? Given the kind of intense fervor over the Rama Bridge Issue I am surprised that the Hindutva crowd let this slip through the cracks.

Wake up Saffronites!! Someone may make love over the swastika and scream Heil Hitler!!

Posted by Deepti Lamba at 09:29 AM Stumble It! digg this del.icio.us Fark It | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

International mudslinging between the US and Iran has intensified. Despite the visit of the Iranian President to the Columbian University without as much as a phone call from his long lost American twin President Bush, the name calling has struck some creative notes:

A statement signed by 215 Iranian MPs cited the bombing of Japan during World War II, and the invasions of Vietnam and Iraq, as "terrorist actions".

The largely symbolic move comes days after the US Senate urged the White House to brand Iran's Revolutionary Guards as a terrorist organisation.

The foreign ministry in Tehran said it backed the MPs' motion.

Could this be the Persian way of saying- People living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?

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The movieSex And The City should be renamed Sex and Cat Fights In The City. According to sources the enmity between Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall continues to fester:

When SATC left the air in 2004, it looked as though a movie version wouldn't be far behind. Plans for the movie, however, stalled amidst rumors that Cattrall was holding out for equal pay to Parker - the show's leading lady and an executive producer. But things got back on track in 2007 and it seemed as though Cattrall and Parker had left their differences - which predated Cattrall's salary issues - behind.

Unfortunately, the ladies can't seem to let bygones be bygones. Last week, Cattrall pulled a diva move, leaving a reunion party at Butter in NYC. The Daily Mail quotes one insider: "Kim and Sarah had words and obviously something was said that upset Kim and she just stormed out. It's well known the girls are all quite feisty and opinionated. Everyone else at the party seemed quite embarrassed and shocked."

Cat fights may be sexy but there is nothing hot about 40 something year olds hags bickering over money and heels.

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