Things That Bang

Want to lose weight without going on some exotic diet or sweating on a machine? Simple, get rid of your maids! Yes, I do mean your part-timer, your full timers, your nanny, and while you are at it - even your driver. You’d be up at six in the morning packing tiffins, making breakfasts, kissing the family good bye, maybe dropping hubby to work and returning only to clean up your house. Since most of us don’t have wall to wall carpets you’d be sweeping the floors on a bended back, wiping the floors on your hunches (if youare chicken like me, probably on your knees), dusting, making the beds, doing the laundry (for your sake I do hope you have a washing machine) and finally realizing that your kitchen wasn’t kept pristine clean by the maid you’d be back to cleaning, scrubbing and maybe redoing the dishes. The DISHES!

No need to do bench presses, your hands will forever be loving and cleaning those dishes, cups and their pretty little saucers, not to mention stuff like those big Pateelas, frying pans etc need I say more?

By the time you’d have time to breathe easy it would be early afternoon and if you have young tots returning all famished by lunch time, it would be back into the kitchen slaving over the stove, cleaning the pots and pans, the kitchen and with you wondering in the middle – Maybe a cup of tea in the middle? No, no – an extra pan! I cannot clean another pan. Suddenly tea would be too much of an effort. Your body will crave caffeine and sugar but your mind will be adamant in its decision that it’s being cruel to be kind.

No Sugar – an awesome way to diet.

Kiddies will come home or maybe you’d have to pick them up at the bus stop, a little cat nap in the car while waiting would probably be a good idea; not that the bus would leave with your kids. After the little nap and kiddies in the back you’d return home.

You’d have to change them, feed them, clean the dishes, referee their fights, try to get them to sleep and if they are balls of relentless energies like mine, you’d probably be babysitting them through the afternoon. Maybe you’d grab a bite if you have the time or maybe if you go as insane as I do and you won’t.

Come evening you’d be doggone tired but by then it would be again kitchen time; milk and sandwiches for the little pumpkins and dinner to be made. Ah, dinner - the one affair that all Stepford Wives are proud of, it wouldn’t seem so appealing but rarely do mothers and wives offer Cheerios for dinner, especially on weekdays.

Your body will complain but the perfectionist in you would egg you on - You are better than those witches you paid hard earned money to. You can do it, make better food, clean your home better and guess what? There is less wastage in the kitchen and you spend more time with your babies.

Our bodies, once in a while can be fooled by pep talk and you’d find yourself cooking the best meal ever, it would be a labor of love - palak paneer, dal makhani, rice, paranthas, salad and a cake to end it all with.

Oh yeah! You’d be putting in the whole day instead of the one hour in a pricey gym – working those muscles all the way.

With the evening winding down and the kids too, by eight they will be in bed, with full bellies and your eyelids would be drooping while waiting for the man of the house to return.

But wait a minute - didn’t you forget something? After rigorous exercise hitting the showers is compulsory and with all the strenuous exercise you put in through the day you’d probably forget to take a bath. A warm soak in the tub is ideally recommended, think of it like a sauna but care must be taken not to doze off. Set an alarm, remember you can’t afford to nod off - no one is there to let hubby darling in.

Smelling all nice and limp like a noodle you’d wait for the love of your life to return. Hopefully he’d be home soon, if not let him warm up his meal! Those muscles need rest. After the meal is over, the dishes would have to be done-again. It’s a good idea to get your sweet cheeks to exercise those arms along with you to clean the night dishes and clean the kitchen.

Get him to make tea for you but wait a minute - by then you would already be half asleep.

If you carry on this regimen for ten days, I can promise you a weight loss at least of three to four kilos.

However, before taking on this exercise plan, you must know the side effects – your sex life will probably suffer due to excessive tiredness, visits to the salon will become rare, no phone time to gossip with friends, you will look skinner but with a kind of vacant eyed rumpled appearance and worst of all you may lose your sanity.

Is it a heavy price to pay? Think of a skinner you. Isn’t it worth it? Best of all, this entire plan comes free of charge.

Side note: My maid-less condition is not deliberate.