Things That Bang

Scantily clad female celebs are forever talked about. Whether they have great bodies or not, most gossip sites love to expose their peaches and cream, sometimes freckled, with aging cellulites for our viewing pleasure. We scrutinize the babes and pass our high handed insensitive judgments, but rarely do people talk about the physique of male celebs. So here is my list of male celebs I rather not see nekkid.

Jack Nicholson He is old, swarthy, has hanging boobies and is grossly overweight. Yes, I know he is a very talented dude, a Hollywood icon but for all his charisma and winning smile he no longer can aspire to be a hot pot.

Tom Cruise The last time I found Tom somewhat hot was in the movie Interview With The Vampire. Anne Rice didn’t want him to act as Lestat but even though he did play the part well, he did not radiant that simmering sexual heat that the centuries old vampire wore naturally. Maybe it was because Tom Cruise was never perceived to be sexy despite Top Gun . Some still consider him to be hot but he definitely did not look sexy in Lions For Lambs

Tom Hanks I am a big fan of Tom Hanks, but let’s face it he doesn’t make hearts flutter instead he reminds us women of a father figure we can easily rely upon to baby sit our children.

He has a charming smile, pleasing personality and reminds us of that makes America so wonderful- 4th of July, baseball, Chicago deep pan pizzas, the Christmas, the malls, just about anything but nothing to do with sweat and sex.

Amitabh Bachchan His hotness died with the bygone 70s. People still look at his old movies like Sholay, Deewar, Naseeb, Shaan, Silsila etc and say- Now that’s what a man should be like and I say- that was what the man was like. With him well into his 60s he can only aspire to be a hot property with people of his own generation. Sure, we all enjoyed the movie – Cheeni Kam and his performance was remarkable along with that of Tabu and Parash Rawal but thankfully the audience was not exposed to any intimate scenes between the romantic couple. Amit Saab is too old to shed his shirt and I think he knows it.

Anil Kapoor Anil Kapoor reminds me of Balu the Bear. He is goofy and has a gorgeous smile but is in dire need of getting his body waxed. Now, don’t get all offended. I know there are women who like to lay their heads on fur hairy chests but his reminds me of an Amazon jungle. I quite sure his wife must have pulled out a jaguar from that hairy infestation;)

Matt Damon- He was a positively scrumptious dude in his earlier movies but now he reminds me of a family man enjoying Barbecue Sunday or guzzling down beer and belching in front of the TV. He didn’t make my heart race in any of the Bourne films, although his acting was exemplary and the movie superb.

Tommy Lee I never understood what Pamela Anderson saw in the man. I have nothing against Tattoos. On certain bodies like – The Rock’s they look positively scrumptious but on Tommy they seem like pathetic excuses trying to glamorize a wretched body. She probably went for his personality. No? I guess it was the dong.

Dick Cheney Talking about dongs, we all remember the ‘Dick’ picture of Cheney and the impact it had on our psyches
but none of us genteel ladies once called him a – have to have man despite his…er….enhanced …er.. member.

Elijah Wood The Lord of The Rings somehow de-sexed Frodo. He is cute guy but whenever I see those remarkable eyes I see the Shire, the ring, the misery, manic depression and a hobbit- the size of a twelve year old carrying the world’s fate on his shoulders no different from Jesus. With that kind of a divine status how can anyone have fantasies about him?

Daniel Radcliffe He is a teen heartthrob but to me is a Potter; a kid with immense acting abilities. He is growing to be a strapping young man with budding acting abilities but he isn’t fodder for older women.

Shah Rukh Khan Dard e Disco blinded me!! I got slammed by people for hating SRK’s new sculpted look but I preferred his regular bod to the new ‘I gotta look like John Abraham’ look. I’m still nursing my wounds from the online lynching I went through, but in a last feeble attempt to keep Freedom of Speech going I’d still say- he the one dude who should never ever take his shirt off!!

Naveen Andrews Whenever this dude takes off his shirt, I think of Kama Sutra and get all embarrassed. Yeah, I know I am all grown up and all but he exudes so much sexuality that when he enters a room all the electrical gadgets explode. Thankfully in Planet Terror he kept his clothes on and didn’t have me swooning;)