Things That Bang

Today was a day of revelation for me. I held back tears when memories of misery and utter frustration rained down on me while I waited for my children's bus to come. I had inadvertently stumbled on a condition that made me realize I wasn't dumb as a doorknob when it came to mathematics.

For years I believed I had some kind of a dyslexia. I could read and write well but when it came to math I was just plain dumb. My brain would shut down and the numbers wouldn't make sense. I still cannot handle change.

Yesterday at a grocery store, the cashier muttered something about owing two rupees and I wondered whether the store owed me 2 rupees or I owed them. I got nervous and antsy. Who owed who? My brain came to a standstill. Dumb Dee Dumb it sang to me. I cleared my throat and asked - Do I owe you? The reply was a no and I was shown the bill and explained the difference.

I didn't hate myself at that moment. I have long since accepted my condition - dumb and a secret I've long since kept.

I still have trouble remembering my husband's cell number since the first five digits are the same as mine. I used my fingers to count the similar numbers while I penned the sentence. I still use my fingers to add and subtract. I used to have trouble distinguishing my right from my left. I still visualize myself in a place when I give directions. So what's wrong with me? I have dyscalculia. Its a learning disability in which one cannot comprehend math, numbers, and more.

The DfES defines dyscalculia as:

A condition that affects the ability to acquire arithmetical skills. Dyscalculic learners may have difficulty understanding simple number concepts, lack an intuitive grasp of numbers, and have problems learning number facts and procedures. Even if they produce a correct answer or use a correct method, they may do so mechanically and without confidence.

Dyscalculia is dyslexia for numbers. But unlike dyslexia, very little is known about its prevalence, causes or treatment. Current thinking suggests that it is a congenital condition, caused by the abnormal functioning of a specific area of the brain. People with dyscalculia experience great difficulty with the most basic aspects of numbers and arithmetic.

Best estimates indicate that somewhere between 3% and 6% of the population are affected. These statistics refer to those who are ‘purely’ dyscalculic – i.e. they only have difficulties with maths but have good or even excellent performance in other areas of learning.

 

Its not the end of the world to finally put a tag on what I have lived with all my life. There will be those who would deny the condition. Those who'd say I could have worked harder, been less lazy, less dumb, less paranoid, less angry, even less suicidal but it doesn't take away the condition or the fact that there are those who suffer from it.

Its close to nightfall and I cradle an empty feeling in my heart. I finally know that some part of my brain is different, I know why I always scored so low in IQ tests. There is no triumphant feeling that I made it despite my disability. There is no other feeling except the knowledge that I am not dumb and that this disability made me who I am.

Related Article: Inside story: dyscalculia