There Lies No Heart Beneath The Surface
"Do you love me?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" she huffed as she leafed through a magazine.
"Do you love me?" Rajiv persisted.
Sonali gave an exasperated sigh. Her words were harsh "I'm married to you, aren't I? I have borne you four children, taken care of all your needs and that of your family. What more do you want from me?"
"Are you telling me you don't love me? Not after so many years of living together?" Hurt bleached his very bones but he braved the onslaught. He couldn't take one more day of the empty marriage.
Sonali threw the magazine on the coffee table and turned towards her husband. She looked at him straight in the eye.
He braced himself for her reply. She never minced words when it came to speaking her mind. It was the one quality he loved best about her and come to dread as well.
"I'm not going to lie to you Rajiv. You know it is not in my nature."
He nodded grimly and let her speak.
"I share a bond with you maybe love you in a way but I don't believe in being in love. You know what I mean? I don't believe there can ever be anyone who would make me weak in the knees or make my soul tremble with ecstasy."
He spoke up. "Sex has always been good between us."
She inclined her head and her diamond stud reflected the glimmer of the living room light and twinkled. The tiny sparkle drew his attention to the perfect shell of her ear. How could she not love him?
"Rajiv, its more than sex and you know it. I lack the ability to love a man body and soul."
She gave a rueful smile and spoke again "Maybe I can only love with my body. Something is broken within me or wasn't in me to begin with."
Rajiv went to the bay window and stared out at the dark landscape. Stars twinkled in heavens above and on the mountains beacons of homes twinkled their own lighted warmth.
Despite the raging fire in the hearth, he shivered and felt alone.
"I cannot live like this Sonali. I feel as if I spent ten years of my life with a stranger." he whispered.
She looked at the lean figure of her husband. His hair was still thick though peppered liberally. When they got married his mane was raven dark and his mouth without laughing lines. He knew how to bring her body alive but her heart continued to slumber.
Even now with her marriage at a breaking point she felt nothing; nothing but a cold shaft of awakening relief. She sat back against the couch and spoke in even tones. She was about to topple her marriage over the plank, feed it to the ravenous sharks.
"What do you propose, Rajiv?"
He turned and looked at her. He took in her sturdy beauty. She was big boned with sharp features and creamy skin. He knew every nook and cranny of her body but even in her sex embrace there was a pervading coldness that chilled his heart.
He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the cool surface of the glass window. "Divorce. I don't see why either one of us should continue to live this hollow existence."
She sighed and looked away "You deserve to be loved, Rajiv. You're a good man."
He shook his head. "I don't know if I have it in me to go through it one more time."
Sonali saw the hurt and wanted to ease it for him. She wasn't cruel but she knew she'd feel the same for a wounded animal. A practical concern devoid of feelings.
"When do you want to begin the process? We have to inform our families."
"Families?" he asked. "Are you not forgetting our own children?" Anger crept into his voice.
Sonali shrugged. "They are young and resilient and will bounce back. At least we can ensure its an amicable separation; that way the hurt will be minimal."
"God! How can you be so cold? So devoid of human love? Even with our children your behavior is always so matter of fact. So bloody sterile. Even a nanny would have given them more love" he seethed
"I lead a detached existence Rajiv. Nothing can touch me. I am emotionally crippled. Cold and barren. You knew it when you married me. I told you as much but you still married me. Don't lay all the blame on my doorstep. I've never taken you for a ride. In fact I led the life you wanted me to lead." She continued to speak in cool tones.
"And made me fall in love with you." He shouted and then tried to control his raging emotions. He ran a trembling hand through his hair. A habit she was well aware of. He would do that whenever he was stressed and then rub his high forehead.
She knew him like the back of her hand. She could break him easily but even the knowledge of her power over him did nothing for her. She was a cold unfeeling fish.
The silence between them was telling in its temporary existence. He wrapped his arms around himself and bowed his head, trying his best to hold the tears of misery back and she continued to sit on the couch - a mute spectator to the drama where she played the phantom.
"Ma?" A tiny voice whispered
The couple turned and saw their two year old son standing in his flannel pajamas holding his crotch.
"Ma, I have to pee," he continued to hold his crotch and like a little shaman did the rain dance.
On seeing their apple cheeked son's antics the parents smiled despite themselves.
Sonali got up from the couch and took the toddler to the bathroom. As he relieved himself she wondered at the havoc her inabilities would wreck upon her innocent children. She pulled up the child's pajamas and kissed his warm head.
"Go to bed" she whispered.
"You phut me in bhed" his words were already slurring and eyes drooping.
He looked like a little cupid. She caressed his hair, picked him up. He wrapped his little body around her like a warm coat but no motherly love cupped her heart.
She laid him back in the bed, pulled the covers over him and looked at the other children sleeping in their beds in the big room. They were like their father, affectionate, giving and full of life. They were the antithesis of their mother.
Sonali sat down on the bed of her youngest who she put to bed and wondered whether her desire to run from her responsibilities was the right thing to do.
Rajiv cleared his throat. His silhouette against the streaming light gave her a pause. She was a cold wasteland in the midst of a lush thriving jungle. Maybe they could survive a few wafts of cold once in a while. Her kids never knew their mother to be any different but what of Rajiv?
She got up from the bed and followed Rajiv out.
As they entered the living room she spoke up. "I'm sorry for the grief I have caused you Rajiv. I am a broken vessel. No matter how much love you pour into me it will all bleed out but that doesn't mean I don't care about you or our children."
Her breath got caught in her throat. She took a minute and spoke again as he watched her closely. "Is it not possible for you to love for the both of us?"
She laid a pleading hand on his arm and looked up in his softening eyes. Maybe his love could really tide their little family together.
He folded her in his arms and she laid her head on his chest.
Posted by Deepti Lamba at 11:21 PM 
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