Things That Bang

The blades of the scorched grass glistened with a steady hot stream of piss and before the vinegar smell could permeate the surroundings the dirt of the unmarked grave silently accepted the unconscious slander. The woman with a significantly lighter kidney rose from her young flexible haunches and quickly adjusted her petticoats and saree with its liberal patterns of Swarovski crystals strewn across in cheerful patterns.

She looked around at the field of sunflowers that drooped towards the direction of absentee sun for orb of fire was setting in the opposite end of the sky in a shade of hazy red and she hissed “Aarti?! Hurry up.”

Her piss partner in crime rose from behind the thick trunk of a banyan tree with an embarrassed grin, smoothed her richly embroidered saree and quickly followed Darshini into the back of the waiting BMW.

The two men sitting in the front of the smooth mechanical beast grumbled about the poor countryside and its lazy inhabitants, ignored the women folk and as the car turned away from the dusty fields onto the road they began to discuss matters of bulls and bears and money made and lost.

The car wove through the traffic effortlessly and hungrily ate the miles that lay between Chandigarh and Delhi and the passengers within remained blissfully unaware of the fifth presence that now travelled with them. The ghost of the unmarked grave now hitchhiked in the body of Darshini.

Darshini rested her head against the plush black leather coverings and numbly stared out at the shabby north Indian countryside. The declining patches of fields taken over by monstrous industrial plants, the shabby cemented blocks of homes with their rust attracting prison windows and the never ending parade of brown humanity crawling around like heat crazed cockroaches.

In the cool interiors of the luxurious car she felt a mean streak of self pity spring forth some inadvertent tears. She raised her henna coloured hands over her eyes as if she was tired and discreetly wiped away the tell tale signs of sadness.

She stared back at the ugly scenery and reminded herself again that she was better off than those living poor lives but her heart spoke about simple joys of lives lived in slums, the bonds created by hard lives and the numerous little naked toddlers running around narrow alleys with little black threads hanging over their chubby butts to ward off the evil eye.

Her heart spoke about her being the clichéd bird in a golden cage; she being the barren canary who couldn’t lay an egg whereas her sister in law who had promptly gone off to sleep once the car started and rested her head against the car window was ripening. Darshini let her eyes rest on the six months pregnant belly that Aarti lay her hands over. It was a natural protective action of a pregnant mother but something Darshini was yet to experience.

She imagined the foetus swimming in the dark womb and felt a tightening in her belly. She imagined the maternal love welling in the heart that beat above the foetus and tried to ignore the fetid smell of jealousy. She wasn’t a mean woman she told herself and she was happy for her sister in law who stood by her side through thick and thin. She wasn’t an ungrateful woman just an incomplete one.

Closing her eyes she let the rhythm of the car lull her to sleep and the ghost residing within her drank in her unhappiness and wondered why he had let himself feel the emotions of humans.

Tied to his grave, he watched the world pass by with detachment. How many years had he stopped being human? He couldn’t count. Perhaps a hundred years, maybe more? There were no emotions felt, no anger remembered over his death, the murder committed against him by his own flesh and blood and the burial of his body to hide the evidence of crime done had not let him move on.

He lived and watched, tied to his grave like a chained dog long forgotten by his master. Darshini’s slander gave him the right to possess her flesh and without much thought he took residence and he came to rue the impulsive deed.

Sadness engulfed him and made him remember dimly his own heartbreak and the loss of his family.

Her hankering for a child reminded him of his own orphaned daughter and he wondered once again whatever happened to his little family. Time had flown and those he loved were dead memories and he was left alone, a disembodied numb energy. And now in the prison of Darshini’s body he struggled against the buffeting winds of grief and madness.

Darshini woke with a start. A vivid dream had engulfed her unconscious mind. The joyous peals of laughter of a two year old running into the arms of a strong sun burned man in dirt stained dhoti still rang in her ears. She dreamed of her breath being crushed out of her little body as her father squeezed her against his sweaty chest. She couldn’t understand the love laced with pain that emanated from her father. And in her little hands she held the handsome face of her father. Darshini remembered the gentle face, the gleaming teeth behind the thick moustache, the leathery cheeks and the stubborn chin.
In her wakened moments she realized he wasn’t her father nor she his little girl but the heartbreaking joy felt real. She belonged to someone. The love was unconditional. She wished she hadn’t woken up.

“Darshini? Are you awake?”

She met the quiet eyes of her husband in the rear view mirror and gave a nod.

“Could you call Ma and tell her we will be home in another hour?” he asked as he overtook a slow mammoth truck packed up with goods like a muffin top- a hazardous vehicle no other vehicle wanted to be stuck behind.

Darshini pulled out her Nokia phone from her small evening bag and speed dialled her mother in law’s number. Sounds of religious bells rang in her ears along with a pious voice singing shlokas in Sanskrit. She waited for a few minutes and was about to cut the line when her mother in law answered.

“Yes, Beta? How far are you from home? How was the wedding?” the sleep crusted self assured voice of her mother in law grated her nerves. The lady was nice, enough.

“Wedding went well. Surabhi looked very pretty in her bridal clothes and Ashok looked very handsome.”

Darshini went on making polite conversation and Aarti woke up as well and smiled at Darshini. Darshini’s lifted her lips in a reciprocal smile and stifled the restless urge that coursed through her senses. Open the door and jump out clamoured her senses. She could see herself jump out and get lost in the teeming humanity, to be lost forever and never to return to the web of niceness layered with unspoken pity.

The ghost identified with Dashini’s tumultuous rage. He was familiar with the overwhelming clouds of despair that drowned the human spirit in a deluge of grief and powerlessness . He held on to the masts of her spirit that lay low in melancholia and wondered what broke her heart. The hurt went deep within the caverns of her soul. His anger ,her anger, their grief, he wondered if she could feel his presence or was so she mired in darkness that her soul had lost its rights to safeguard its own body?

Her impatience gave him the impetus to speak in her mind. Why? He asked and she ignored the question and his presence. He was startled at her lack of reaction. He spoke louder in her mind Why do you suffer?

She heard the voice speak boldly in her mind and bit her lip. Her eyes swept across the car and she gripped the phone tighter against her ear and spoke hurriedly “We will be home in another hour’s time, mom. Pradeep wants a cup of tea.”

“ Me too!” Karan turned around and gave his sister in law Darshini a smile packed with happiness. His playful eyes and twin dimples in his lean cheeks
irked the hollowness within her.

She spoke again in the phone “Karan also wants tea, Ma”

“Don’t worry. I know you people will turn home hungry. My children are so spoilt. I know none of you eat properly at the wedding. I will have some hot fresh aloo paranthas ready for you along with tea ready by the time you get home.”

Her mother in law’s generosity rubbed salt against her heart.

“Ma, You don’t have to put in so much effort. And I shouldn’t have woken you up so early as it is.”

The older lady laughed in her ear “I love feeding you. Don’t worry about me. It’s just one of the ways I make sure you youngsters can’t live without me.”
Her light hearted banter made Darshini wince. She wanted to be without the old matron of a mother in law, she wanted to be without her husband, her brother in law, her sister in law. She wanted to be without the urge to have a baby. What was wrong with her? She was blessed with a happy home but she wanted to throw it all away. She wanted to drown in the dark pit and never crawl out of it. She wanted to die and never breathe ever again.

Never breathe again? What is wrong with you?! Do you know what death is all about? He asked in her mind and she promptly negated the question. Voices spoke in everyone’s mind. Only the sick took them seriously and she wasn’t sick.

Her fingers trembled as she disconnected the line and shoved the phone back in her purse. Tears clouded her eyes and she blinked them back. Why did she want to cry at every given moment? Damn! She admonished herself and missed the concerned look her husband flicked her in the rear-view mirror. Misery was her constant companion and she was so tired of herself, tired of the hunger that eat her from within, tired of the hunger to be happy, tired of the irrational desire that a baby would fill the dark void with innocent brilliance. She wanted to put an end to it all once and for all.

Hanging. That's how most take their lives. He remembered those days when the skies refused to weep for the earth and cracked soles of human feet hung from trees.

She tilted her head slightly and a slight whimsical smile slipped across her face. Suffering had become an addiction and she knew no better. Death seemed like a feasible option but hanging was an ugly mess. She preferred sleeping pills. Drink down those seemingly harmless pills and never wake up. Be gone forever. Oblivion.

There is no such thing as oblivion. He whispered and remembered eternity of suspended living. The life of an insignificant wraith chained to a tragedy long past. He wondered if there was any way he could get across to her and show her the preciousness of each moment lived.

Delusion that death wiped away all pain gave the foolish courage to take their own lives. But to feel nothing after the death was far worse. But there was no way he could let her know.

He heard the faint beating heart of the unborn child. An empty shell still waiting to be housed by a soul. But it wasn’t his right to take what could easily be his. He wouldn’t commit another wrong. If only he could reach through to the woman. His own pain was a residual of past, leavings of a ghost but she was alive.

Happiness is a state of being. It is the perseverance to go on despite all the hurt in the world. It is to believe and to hope. He whispered softly and remembered the warmth of his child snuggled in his arms, the love of his wife and the life he had led no matter how short and for that he was grateful. Peace descended over him and for few precious minutes Darshini felt a balm over her exhausted heart.

He left Darshini as easily as he had become one with her soul. The detachment was natural for he was still one with her in compassion.

The moment passed and Aarti took Darshini’s hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. Darshini let her hand lie in Aarti’s warm clasp for a few minutes and then removed her hand and curled it in a tight fist. She had come to hate unexpected human contact.

She continued to stare at the countryside with unseeing eyes.
They reached home sometime before six and her mother in law hugged her at the thresh hold and she bore the hug in silence, then muttered something about wanting to freshen up and broke loose. Aarti and Karan followed in. Her mother in law caught the arm of her elder son, last to enter and asked in a whisper

“Pradeep, did she take her medicines? How was she there?”

Pradeep ran a tired hand over his eyes and replied “So far so good mom. She hasn’t been irate but there still is something going on within her. And I feel we should ask the doctor for more effective meds.”

Her mother in law peeked inside the house to make sure no one was listening

“But beta, those pills will numb her down completely. She won’t be the Darshini we so love.”

Before walking in Pradeep replied “At least she will stay alive mom. Better numb than dead, don’t you think?”

His mother sighed in frustration and followed her son inside the house and went into the kitchen where her daughter in laws were pulling out plates to lay the table for fresh aloo paranthas.